Kelsh Family Dinner

“Caveat, all identities have been changed to protect the guilty parties. Several separate events have been combined to occupy the same space-time location.”

“Welcome everybody to the 86th Annual Allen Family Thanksgiving Dinner! In a historic first, we have five generations gathered together today! Three days of frantic behind the scenes preparations  have lead up to this moment. Provisions are completed and the meal is ready to begin! Let the battle royal commence!” The announcer drawled in a ringing voice.

The food is being brought into the dining room, the board already crowded with place settings and centerpieces groans under the added weight. A hush falls over the audience, as the star of the show enters. . Dad’s carving the turkey. Careful now, remember last year! Oh no! His hand slips! The crowd roars as the blood spurts! “

“Mother’s bustling up, first aid box in her grasp. Proficiently she swabs the wound. It’s okay folks! Dad just nicked his index finger. A couple of bandages and everything’s fine!”

“The observers settle back with disappointed sighs. We all remember last year when dad had to rush to the emergency room and get nineteen stitches in his left palm. And who can forget Grandfather Walter  who lost his pinkie finger in ’67.”

“They’re serving the bird now. Everyone’s looking at it with suspicion, no doubt thinking of the infamous gathering of ’95 when we all wound up with food poisoning. No it’s all right, this gobbler’s cooked all the way through, some might even say it’s just a tad over done. What an epic fiasco that was; one bathroom versus 60 odd people, all of them needing to use the facilities right now!  Mom had to hire  a Rug Doctor crew to sanitize the mess and it cost her plenty!”

“The rest of the food is making the rounds. Mitzy passes to Frank. We’re crammed in at the table cheek to jowl. Fumble! There’s a large spot of gravy on Grandmama’s antique white (it has rather yellowed with age) lace tablecloth! “

“Now Bernice and Timothy are wrestling over the last drumstick. Bernice stabs her cousin’s arm with her fork. Success! The drumstick is hers! Timothy’s nursing his injured forelimb and shooting lethal looks at Bernice!  There’s going to be trouble over this, I can see him plotting his retribution now.”

“I was right! There goes the winter squash, forcefully hurled! Some of it missed, the tablecloth is sure getting lambasted today!”

“Cousin Eddie sneaked in his hip flask and is steadily getting sloshed. He’s already three sheets to the wind! Smells like he loaded it with brandy this year.”

“Dalton and Jordan are lobbing brussels sprouts at each other across the table with their spoons. Oops! Dalton’s projectile has gone awry and hit Lucas in the eye! Lucas retaliates by flinging a glob of mashed potatoes. That shirt will never be the same! You’d think that a group of thirty-somethings would be more mature, I guess that the holiday brings out the kid in all of us.”

“Gramps and Tony are arguing about their rival football teams. The bowl of cranberry sauce goes ballistic! Another hit on the tablecloth! Grandmama’s face is turning red with fury!”

“The babies, Johnnie and  Bethany are crying at full volume trying to outdo each other. Uh-oh! One or both of them require changing, pronto!  Phew! Everyone hold your noses!”

“Great Uncles Clarence and Curtis are debating politics. Yikes! They’ve reached the daggers drawn stage! Now they’re fencing with the bread sticks. It’s a shame to see seventy year old men acting so childishly.”

“Second cousins Deborah and Kenneth are lobbing stuffing bombs at each other. There’s not much consistency there this year. They’re bursting open on impact, leaving crumbs all over the place. One piece just landed in great aunt Maud’s full cup of coffee! The splash zone from that hit’s going to leave a mark!”

“Teenagers Ryan and Gabriel are using their straws to suck up peas and blowgun them at random relatives. They just knocked Lawrence’s toupee into the salad bowl! Whoopsie! There goes the French Dressing! That tablecloth is sure getting blasted!”

“Aunts Clarice and  Judith are going at it hammer and tongs over who has the best Jell-O salad! They’re standing bosom to bosom (and an impressive sight that is, both of them are 48 Double D’s), and screaming at each other like fishwives!”

“In-laws Sheila and Lyssa, the Stepford Wives Twins (so perfect that it’s scary,) are planning a surgical strike on selected stores. Operation Grab Bags Full of Stuff is scheduled to activate at o’dark hundred in the morning so they can be first in line! What dedicated pair of bargain hunters!”

“Now Sis and big Luke are going at the dessert. Look out folks! Sis has gotten possession of the Reddi-wip can and isn’t afraid to use it! She’s just given Luke a huge whipped cream mustache and beard! Little Luke clutches his sides he’s laughing so hard at his father. Big Luke’s reacting. Splat!  There goes the pumpkin pie! And the beleaguered tablecloth takes another punch! ”

“Four hours have passed; the assembly has been loud and boisterous. Dinner is finally winding down. We can all give Thanks this year, no serious injuries or illnesses occurred. Everyone’s settling in to clean up and digest. That poor old tablecloth’s going to need a lot of bleach!”

“Yet another famous holiday meal in the Allen Family Chronicles. This play-by-play has been brought to you by Niki Allen-Price, your announcer, singing off.”



Tuesday Writing Prompt Challenge November 26, 2019: Write something around the theme of Thanksgiving–being grateful, family, food, traditions, etc.   It can have a serious tone or create something that will make us laugh.

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